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BOOK III. OF THE FALSE WISDOM OF PHILOSOPHERS.
Moths of the Limberlost
In the South Seas
The Black Hole of Glenranald
THE SCALE (or LADDER) of PERFECTION
The World's Desire
Ten Days That Shook the World
The Distress'd Wife
A Bit of Old China
From Beyond
John Keble's Parishes
Hans Huckebein
Amistad Argument
THE SKIN GAME
Song of Selma
The Hispanic Nations of the New World
Vandrad the Viking
Contes de la bécasse
THE LEROUGE CASE
King James Bible
THE ILLUMINATI IN DRAMA LIBRE
Princess Aline
THE MARTYRDOM OF THE HOLY MARTYRS
Revolt of Netherlands, V4
HISTORY of the CHRISTIAN CHURCH, VOLUME VIII. THE HISTORY OF THE REFORMATION
Everybody's Guide to Money Matters
The Zeppelin's Passenger
MAN WITH THE SHAVEN SKULL
When God Laughs and Other Stories
Pagan Tribes of Borneo, V1
The Coming of the Friars
The Refutation of All Heresies, Book 4
The Yellow Paint
The Englishman and Other Poems
The Desire to be a Man
THE EPISTLES OF CYPRIAN
CLARA'S HUSBANDS
MUTUAL AID: A FACTOR OF EVOLUTION
The History of Nourjahad
The Life and Letters of Thomas Henry Huxley Volume 3
God and my Neighbour
Snarleyyow
Men, Women, and God
The Anglo-Saxon Chronicle
Caught In The Net
Eoneguski, or, The Cherokee Chief: A Tale of Past Wars. Vol. I.
The Canadian Brothers (Volume I)
The Four-Fifteen Express
Elegy on the Death of His Late Majesty George the Third
The First Men In The Moon
I Say No
Memoirs of Marie Antoinette, v7
Soldiers of Fortune
BIRDS OF DEATH
The Time Machine
The River Scamander and Other
Apologia pro Vita Sua
Smoke
US Presidential Inagural Addresses
Blanche Lisle and Other Poems
THE SECRET CHAMBER
Autobiography
The White-Rose Wreath
The Gerrard Street Mystery
Dramas in Miniature
The Cell of Self-Knowledge
The Art-Work Of The Future
Athalie
20 Years At Hull House
The Black-Bearded Barbarian
Memoirs of Napoleon, V1
Famous Men of The Middle Ages
Defence of Usury
The Eye of Zeitoon
Psychoanalysis and Civilization
THE MODERN DRAMA
WRITINGS VOLUME 1
The Olynthiacs and the Phillippics of Demosthenes
The First Men In The Moon
The Garland of Good Will
Some Fruits of Solitude
The Shadowy Waters
Sonnets from the Portuguese
THE EPISODE OF THE DRAWN GAME
The Legends Of The Jews Volume IV
Nostromo: A Tale of the Seaboard
The Works of Samuel Johnson, V4
THE SHADOW MEETS THE MASK
State of the Union Addresses
Ode for Music
The Crisis in Russia
The Three Partners
California Joe, the Mysterious Plainsman
The Purcell Papers, Volume 1
A DREAM OF ARMAGEDDON
HALL-MARKED. A SATIRIC TRIFLE
Red Fleece
Beacon Lights of History--Volume III Part 1
Albany Plan of Union
The Wandering Jew, V6
CITY OF CRIME
Japanese Fairy Tales
Switzerland
The Tower Room
The Singular Death of Morton
Breath of Allah
Irenaeus Against Heresies, v5
The Evil Genius
Essays On Russian Novelists
The Valley of Fear
A History Of Greek Art
Les Rayons et les Ombres
The Psychology of Beauty
THE RELIGION OF THE SAMURAI
Elaine and Elaine
THE ENGLISH GOVERNESS AT THE SIAMESE COURT
The Man Who Was
On Nullification and the Force Bill
King Arthur's Socks and Other Village Plays
THE SCULPTOR OF BRUGES.
Cain
THE MOB. A Play in Four Acts
Israel, a country study
Miss Lucy in Town
The Meteor Menace
Myths And Legends Of Our Own Land, v5
LALLA ROOKH
History of United Netherlands, 1584-86
Lincoln's Gettysburg Address
A Teacher of the Violin and Other Stories
The Memoirs of Louis XIV., His Court and The Regency, V11
The Bible in Spain
Cote d'Or
The Essays of Montaigne, V5
Fundamental Principles of the Metaphysic of Morals
Eternal Me
The Mayflower and Her Log
Havoc
Light, Life, and Love
An Ode, On the Death of Mr. Henry Purcell
SILVER SKULL
History of United Netherlands, 1586-89
The Cleaving
The Life of the Bee
MEMOIRS OF GENERAL SHERMAN, Illustrated, v4
Walking
Froude's History of England
The Beggar's Opera
Oliver Goldfinch; or, The Hypocrite
The Memoirs of Louis XIV., His Court and The Regency, V13
THE FOREIGNER, A TALE OF SASKATCHEWAN
Roswell Testimony
LITTLE LISBETH
The Soul of the Indian
THE ILLUSTRIOUS PRINCE
Prince Otto
The Slave Trade: A Poem
Death in the Stars
The Memoirs of Napoleon, V13, 1815
The Private Apartments
CLUE FOR CLUE
Philip Dru: Administrator
THE GOSPEL OF THE NATIVITY OF MARY -1
Thuvia, Maid of Mars
Let Loose
Speeches of the Honorable Jefferson Davis 1858
History Of The Conquest Of Peru
The Cat
Rafael
The Scarlet Car
Crowley Castle
The Man Who Would Be King and Other Stories
THE SIGN OF THE SHADOW
The Press-Gang Afloat and Ashore
Death of Cicero, a Fragment
CROOKS GO STRAIGHT
Tales from the Arabic
The Argonauts of North Liberty
State of the Union Addresses
THE STORY OF THE INEXPERIENCED GHOST
The Phoenix
LUKUNDOO
Chess and Checkers: The Way to Mastership
Letters from America
La Curée
ENUMA ELISH: THE EPIC OF CREATION
The Refutation of All Heresies, Book 8
Table-Talk
The Hermit and Other
St. Irvyne
The City of Dreadful Night
THE GOLDEN DOOM
THE PIRATE’S GHOST
The Quadroone; or, St. Michael's Day
The Theology of Holiness
Story of the Session of the California Legislature of 1909
THE STRENGTH OF THE STRONG
The Jinn
The Blotting Book
The Messenger of Death
The Confessions Of Nat Turner, The Leader Of The Late Insurrection In Southampton, Va.
Sailing Alone Around The World
THE HISTORY OF KRAKATUK
A Lover's Diary
CRIME CARAVAN
History of Friedrich II of Prussia
The Philosophy of Despair
Pioneers Of France In The New World
Heroic Legends of Ireland
ON REPENTANCE
Mrs Frances Harris's Petition
Mrs. Helen Jackson ("H.H.")
MEMOIRS OF GENERAL SHERMAN, Illustrated, v2
On the Juche Idea
Travels through France and Italy
The Golden Key
Christopher Columbus
THE CRIME CULT
The Kingdom of God is Within You
FUEL FOR MURDER
Writings Vol. 3
A MOVE ON THE "FORTY"
The Contrast
Black Ralph; or, The Helmsman of Hurlgate
THE Young KING, OR, THE MISTAKE
Our Nervous Friends
The Wild Swans At Coole
Nomads Of The North
EUROPE: A PROPHECY
Half a Rogue
Forbidden Gospels and Epistles, v9
GANGDOM'S DOOM
A Sectional Confession of Faith, Part II
PAGES FROM AN OLD VOLUME OF LIFE.
Joan of Naples, The Man in the Iron Mask, and Martin Guerre
A New Christmas Carol
The Lady of Lyons
Rubaiyat
Malcolm Sage, Detective
FROM THE DISCOURSE ON THE RESURRECTION
Frankenstein: Or, The Modern Prometheus. By the Author of The Last Man ... Revised, Corrected, And Illustrated With A New Introduction
Michel and Angle
Celtic Fairy Tales
War and the Future
THE CREEPING DEATH
LIFE WITHOUT PRINCIPLE
The Spectre Hand
The Witch of Atlas
COUNT BUNKER
Without Benefit of Clergy
HIRA SINGH: WHEN INDIA CAME TO FIGHT IN FLANDERS
The White People
THE MENTAL WIZARD
Washington Irving
The Discovery
THE MUNITIONS MASTER
Son of a Hero
Preface to Shakespeare's Plays
The Ascent of Man
A SON OF THE SUN
Sour Grapes
KINGS OF CRIME
THE SECOND EPISTLE OF CLEMENT
The Event
A Set of Six
INTERVIEW
The Principles of Scientific Management
The Conquest of The Fir Bolg
Heroic Legends
THE EPISTLE OF IGNATIUS TO THE PHILADELPHIANS SHORTER AND LONGER VERSIONS
Laicus
THE WEDDING
THE HUNTING OF HARRY TRACY
THE HOUSE THAT VANISHED
The Night of Power
The People For Whom Shakespeare Wrote
The First Men In The Moon
A Lover's Complaint
THE LUST OF HATE
THE SIEGE OF CORINTH
The Mystery Queen
Memoirs of Cardinal de Retz, Volume 4
Every Man Out Of His Humour
A Political and Social History of Modern Europe V.1.
The White Wolf of the Hartz Mountains
CRIME RIDES THE SEA
ARNOBIUS AGAINST THE HEATHEN, V4
The Home Book of Verse V2
The Absent-Minded Coterie
The Coffin Merchant
THE CRIME MASTER
THE WEDDING-RING
Arsene Lupin in Prison
Romantic Ballads Translated from the Danish and Miscellaneous Pieces
The Night Wire
Mackenzie Basin
Lilith
Mr. Bingle
John Barleycorn
Death and Odysseus
DISCOURSE V.—THALLOUSA.
Sanitary and Social Lectures and Essays
The Spirit of 1906
History of United Netherlands, 1600-09
Bulldog Carney's Alibi
Travels in England
The Origins of Contemporary France: The Ancient Regime
The Sentimentalists: An Unfinished Comedy
The Trail of the Lonesome Pine
The Soul of Lilith, Vol. 1
Schwatka's Search
The Spider
The Refutation of All Heresies, Book 1
Zerbin
A Sappho of Green Springs
Literary Lapses
Journal of an Overland Expedition in Australia
CRITICISM
POPEAU INTERVENES
THE HIDDEN HAND.
Sappho and Phaon
The Altruist in Politics
The Most High
Sartor Resartus
Abundance
Days with Sir Roger de Coverley
The Memoirs of Madame de Montespan, V1
State of the Union Addresses
Representative Government
A Jug of Sirup
Mam'zelle Guillotine
The Life of Charlotte Bronte Vol. 1
Frank Merriwell's Limit
Some Imagist Poets: An Anthology
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
The Amputated Arms
CITY OF FEAR
The First Men In The Moon
AN ESSAY ON MAN IN FOUR EPISTLES
The Street of Seven Stars
A Strange Goldfield
MODERN SUPERSTITION
God's Answers
The Little Shepherd of Kingdom Come
The Jew of Malta
The Wives of the Dead
A Psychological Counter-Current in Recent Fiction
The Purple Land
The Haunted Valley
The Diary of Samuel Pepys, February 1666/67
The History of Herodotus Vol. 2
Return to Italy
THE WITCH OF PRAGUE: A FANTASTIC TALE
The Silverado Squatters
Iraq, a country study
The Mystic Spring
The Pocket Diary Found in the Snow
THE THOUSAND-HEADED MAN
Among the Tibetans
Wildfire
THE FIVE CHAMELEONS
Mac Flecknoe and Other Poems
The Maker of Moons
A SONG OF LIBERTY
MY NEW YEAR'S EVE AMONG THE MUMMIES
The Awakening of the Negro
The Memoirs of Louis XIV., His Court and The Regency, V9
The Loot of Bombasharna
Superstition
Tarzan the Terrible
The Five Books of Youth
Tobermory
Narrative of the Life of James Watkins
Purity
THE TRANSFER
Tarzan of the Apes
The Weird Violin
From the Earth to the Moon
St. John's Eve
THE MARTYRDOM OF BARSAMYA,(1) THE BISHOP OF THE BLESSED CITY EDESSA
The Altar Fire
THE DAY OF THE CONFEDERACY, A CHRONICLE OF THE EMBATTLED SOUTH
THE INSTRUCTIONS OF COMMODIANUS IN FAVOUR OF CHRISTIAN DISCIPLINE
ASK NOT THE CAUSE WHY SULLEN SPRING
King Candaules and Other
Tales
THE KEY
The Arctic Prairies
Circumstance
MORNING.
DISCOURSE IV.—THEOPATRA.
Discoveries and Some Poems
A TRAGEDIAN IN SPITE OF HIMSELF
The First Men In The Moon
CONSTRUCTIVE DELUSIONS
The Problem of the Steel Door
Iphigenie auf Tauris
A Texas Ranger
Cyprus, as I Saw it in 1879
RACKET TOWN
ERASMUS MONTANUS OR RASMUS BERG
I Watched the Heavens
Pariah
The Mysterious State-room: A Tale of the Mississippi
THE FEATHERED OCTOPUS
THE ROAR DEVIL
THE PIGTAIL OF HI WING HO
The First Men In The Moon
Fanny and the Servant Problem
The Great Return
SIX MEN OF EVIL
The King of the Dark Chamber
Confessions of a Thug
Sir Humphrey Gilbert's Voyage to Newfoundland
FRANKENSTEIN; OR, THE MAN AND THE MONSTER!
Eighteen Hundred and Thirteen: a poem.
THE DUCHESS OF BERRY AND THE COURT OF CHARLES X
The Emancipatrix
Wanderings Among South Sea Savages And in Borneo and the Philippines
CRIME AT SEVEN OAKS
The Confessions of J. J. Rousseau, Book 4
The Great Spy System, or, Nick Carter's Promise to the President
The Unexpurgated Case Against Woman Suffrage
The Beginning of Ownership
THE DEVIL'S FEUD
THE CEDAR CLOSET
Tales of the Grotesque and Arabesque, volume 2
REPEL
The Ghost Whistle
The Night Horseman


Mrs Frances Harris's Petition

Jonathan Swift



To their Excellencies the Lords Justices of Ireland,
The humble petition of Frances Harris,
Who must starve and die a maid if it miscarries;
Humble sheweth, that I went to warm myself in Lady Betty's chamber, because I
was cold;
And I had in a purse seven pounds, four shillings, and sixpence, (besides
farthings) in money and gold;
So because I had been buying things for my lady last night,
I was resolved to tell my money, to see if it was right.
Now, you must know, because my trunk has a very bad lock,
Therefore all the money I have, which, God knows, is a very small stock,
I keep in my pocket, tied about my middle, next my smock.
So when I went to put up my purse, as God would have it, my smock was unripped,
And instead of putting it into my pocket, down it slipped;
Then the bell rung, and I went down to put my lady to bed;
And, God knows, I thought my money was as safe as my maidenhead.
So, when I came up again, I found my pocket feel very light;
But when I searched, and missed my purse, Lord! I thought I should have sunk
outright.
"Lord! madam," says Mary, "how d'ye do?"—"Indeed," says I, "never worse:
But pray, Mary, can you tell what I have done with my purse?"
"Lord help me!" says Mary, "I never stirred out of this place!"
"Nay," said I, "I had it in Lady Betty's chamber, that's a plain case."
So Mary got me to bed, and covered me up warm:
However, she stole away my garters, that I might do myself no harm.
So I tumbled and tossed all night, as you may very well think,
But hardly ever set my eyes together, or slept a wink.
So I was a-dreamed, methought, that I went and searched the folks round,
And in a corner of Mrs Duke's box, tied in a rag, the money was found.
So next morning we told Whittle, and he fell a swearing:
Then my dame Wadgar came, and she, you know, is thick of hearing.
"Dame," says I, as loud as I could bawl, "do you know what a loss I have had?"
"Nay," says she, "my Lord Colway's folks are all very sad:
For my Lord Dromedary comes a Tuesday without fail."
"Pugh!" said I, "but that's not the business that I ail."
Says Cary, says he, "I have been a servant this five and twenty years come
spring,
And in all the places I lived I never heard of such a thing."
"Yes," says the steward, "I remember when I was at my Lord Shrewsbury's,
Such a thing as this happened, just about the time of gooseberries."
So I went to the party suspected, and I found her full of grief:
(Now, you must know, of all things in the world I hate a thief:)
However, I was resolved to bring the discourse slily about:
"Mrs Duke," said I, "here's an ugly accident has happened out:
'Tis not that I value the money three skips of a louse:
But the thing I stand upon is the credit of the house.
'Tis true, seven pounds, four shillings, and sixpence makes a great hole in my
wages:
Besides, as they say, service is no inheritance in these ages.
Now, Mrs Duke, you know, and everybody understands,
That though 'tis hard to judge, yet money can't go without hands."
"The devil take me!" said she, (blessing herself,) "if ever I saw't!"
So she roared like a bedlam, as though I had called her all to naught.
So, you know, what could I say to her any more?
I e'en left her, and came away as wise as I was before.
Well; but then they would have had me gone to the cunning man:
"No," said I, "'tis the same thing, the CHAPLAIN will be here anon."
So the Chaplain came in. Now the servants say he is my sweetheart,
Because he's always in my chamber, and I always take his part.
So, as the devil would have it, before I was aware, out I blundered,
"Parson," said I, "can you cast a nativity, when a body's plundered?"
(Now you must know, he hates to be called Parson, like the devil!)
"Truly," says he, "Mrs Nab, it might become you to be more civil;
If your money be gone, as a learned Divine says, d'ye see,
You are no text for my handling; so take that from me:
I was never taken for a Conjurer before, I'd have you to know."
"Lord!" said I, "don't be angry, I am sure I never thought you so;
You know I honour the cloth; I design to be a Parson's wife;
I never took one in your coat for a conjurer in all my life."
With that he twisted his girdle at me like a rope, as who should say,
`Now you may go hang yourself for me!' and so went away.
Well: I thought I should have swooned. "Lord!" said I, "what shall I do?
I have lost my money, and shall lose my true love too!"
Then my lord called me: "Harry," said my lord, "don't cry;
I'll give you something toward thy loss: "And," says my lady, "so will I."
Oh! but, said I, what if, after all, the Chaplain won't come to?
For that, he said (an't please your Excellencies), I must petition you.
The premisses tenderly considered, I desire your Excellencies' protection,
And that I may have a share in next Sunday's collection;
And, over and above, that I may have your Excellencies' letter,
With an order for the Chaplain aforesaid, or, instead of him, a better:
And then your poor petitioner, both night and day,
Or the Chaplain (for 'tis his trade,) as in duty bound, shall ever pray.